March 2008


I’ve gotten some emails lately about non-verbal openers so I thought it’d be a perfect time to share my favorite opener: the eye contact opener. Sounds simple I know, however its effectiveness is astounding. 

It all starts out with your confidence and body language. You have to be beaming confidence, standing up straight, moving as if you’re not in any hurry at all, and possess a smirk on  your face like you know something no one else does (credit: David D). More importantly, you must strive to make eye contact with everyone you’re moving past.

Once you are  doing this consistently and naturally, you will be amazed at how many people return the contact and hold it. Now you don’t want to be creepy, so here’s what I do. If it’s a guy, give him a nod and move on (unless that’s who you’re looking to attract of course). Now, if it’s a woman I’m attracted to, I’ll do one of two things:

1. Shift from my smirk to a somewhat puzzled look. It’s the look you get on your face when you either recognize the person from somewhere but can’t remember where or the look you have when you wonder why someone’s staring at you. I then simply walk up to her  while holding this look and say either, “wait, where do we know each other from?”, or “I’m sorry, you looked exactly like a friend of mine”, or “do we know each other?”. Then conversation starts as normal.

Easy as pie.

2. If I’m in a playful mood I’ll shift from my smirk to a scowl, like I’m playfully mad at her. 9 times out of 10 she’ll return that scowl. I’ll respond with a laugh and go talk to her as she’s won me over with her fun playfulness.  Maybe I even mouth an, “I love you” before I go for fun, depending on what I feel like.

If I could only survive on one opener for the rest of my life this would be the one. As long as your vibe and energy are on it’s easy.

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I’m in Borders just minding my own business when I lock eyes with a hot redhead who’s talking to her friend. I considered just walking away but anyone who knows me knows that’s just not a possibility. I give her the old “I know you from somewhere” look with a curious smile and she returns it. It’s on.

I go up to her and  suddenly apologize and say that she’s not who I thought she was although she looks just like my friend. She responds that it must be the good looks and I tease her and tell her that my friend is very modest as well. The three of us chat for a couple more minutes and I excuse myself to let them continue their conversation.
 
I grab a Men’s Health and sit in the coffee shop reading it. A few minutes later I get up to find her now that her convo’s over and guess who’s sitting at a table reading a book. Too easy. I sit down at her table and she looks up and gets a big smile on her face. I accuse her of stalking me and we chat for a few minutes before grabbing some coffee. The conversation turns to local happy hours so I say, “This is crazy but a drink sounds really good right now”. Now, mind you it’s 2 in the afternoon but that only adds to the excitement. She agrees and we stroll around the corner for a beer.
 
As we’re enjoying our Dragon’s Milk (excellent microbrew she recommended) and some sexually charged conversation as always, it pops up that she has a boyf. We muck around that and I bring up my study of human psychology and more specifically why women cheat.
 
If you’ve never read Matt Ridley’s book The Red Queen then order a copy on amazon right now. 
There’s so much on male-female psychology in there that women find irresistible. One part talks about how women want both lovers and providers. A strong lover who will give her an amazing offspring with good genes and a provider to help raise that child. This is why women often cheat on their nice secure guy with a strong alpha-male.
 
As I was telling her this her eyes lit up like the bat-signal. Shit, even if a girl doesn’t have a boyf this story still makes you look intelligent and automatically sets you up as the lover that she doesn’t want a relationship with but wants to fuck like crazy. Remember, even if you do want a relationship starting as a lover is the best way to go… but that’s for another post.
 
She started talking about how she’s cheated on him and is always attracted to other men and how she caught him emailing a hooker. I told you this stuff was magic. She also talked about how guilty she always felt which made me remind her that she should never feel guilty for natural feelings that everyone felt. All of a sudden I was her zen mentor.
 
So after 2 beers and a car bomb we’re ready to leave- she has to meet the boyf for dinner- and our waitress is nowhere to be seen. Now, what followed I don’t condone in the least, especially as a former bartender. However, as minutes passed without service the thought crept into our heads to make our way out the door. Neither of us had ever done it before and as I mentioned, I don’t condone it whatsoever. So we calmly put on our coats and made our way out.
 
As soon as we leave we sprint down the block, dodging people on our way. Jesus it was exciting. After we round the corner and make sure no one’s following us, we look as each other to make sure that we both just did that, and then started making out right there on the street. Adrenaline may be the most powerful aphrodisiac in the world.
 
After one of the hottest/most random makeouts I can remember, we exchange numbers and go our separate ways.
 
She actually just texted me a couple minutes ago… and she’s coming to my wine and cheese pre-party this Saturday… and bringing a friend. Did I mention I love my life? 

The authors of honeyandlance.com (I’ll let you guess their names) came up with the great idea of organizing a blogger roundtable to discuss what men and women can do to make themselves as attractive as possible and have asked me for my opinion on the matter.

One thing I wouldn’t be surprised of in the least is if some of the same points of advice are made by more than one of us. If this happens, then you know it’s good info and is worth implementing into your life asap. I’ll keep this post updated with the other bloggers’ work on the issue so we can all have the most comprehensive look at the question possible. 

 So without further adu:  

For the guys:

1. Don’t take your looks lightly. Not every guy is born with the looks of Brad Pitt, but that really doesn’t matter. Think about all of the work women put into looking their best. That means that they notice little things about you that other guys would never notice.  Natural good looks doesn’t matter nearly as much as how you take care of yourself and maximizing what you have to work with.

2. Confidence confidence confidence.  Beating a dead horse? Yes. But only because its importance can never be written about enough. If you don’t have it yet, fake it until you have it. You can’t control how confident you are, but you can control how confident you appear. Stand up straight. Don’t hold your drink in front of your chest. Speak and move almost as if in slow motion. And eye-mother f-ing contact!!!

3. Be as interesting a person as possible. What do you do? “Oh… well I’m an engineer who tries to pick up women in his spare time”. Show me a woman who is attractive to that guy and I’ll show you desperation. Hell, would you even want to hang out with yourself? Get out there and to things that you’re interested in. Telling a woman about your recent trip to Spain or that time you bombed trying stand-up comedy is far more attractive than listing your hobbies as “drinking with friends”.

4. Presence at the bar. When you walk in a place, are you the guy who is scanning all over the bar for something fun? For interesting people? Or are you the most interesting person in the place with the most fun happening right in front of you? Stop being the creepy scanner and start making the most fun happen right in front of you. If you want to start a convo with someone, don’t walk across the place to engage them. Happen to notice them over your shoulder while you’re engaged with friends or on  your way to the bathroom.

5. Stop watching tv. Sorry if I scare some of you off with that. The thing is that television lets us put our minds on auto-pilot by feeding us entertainment. When you’re conversing with someone, you want to witty, fun, creative, and spontaneous… and watching television doesn’t exercise our brains to do any of that. Instead, read a book, go for a walk, talk to as many people as you possibly can. Just be ready when all of a sudden you’re the one keeping a girl on her toes in a conversation.

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For the ladies:

First off, it’s easy for a girl to get a guy if she wants. As long as she has a pulse (sometimes not required) then she will be able to find some guy interested in her. Shit, if she’s attractive, she’ll have guys lining up.

Here’s the problem with that though. Most girls don’t want to settle for any guy that any woman can have. They want a guy who’s more of a challenge and that actually is selective to select them. Sorry to burst some of your bubbles, but if you want a guy who isn’t a douche, it’ll take a lot more than your looks. Read on:

1. As mentioned, most guys will fall for looks, but if you actually want a guy worth having, then your energy and outlook on life are 10 times more important. Don’t be one of those girls who bitches and whines all the time just because most guys will put up with it because of your beauty. Any man of value will get tired of it very quickly.

2. Be fun! Nothing attracts me more than a girl that I have an amazing time with. Another pitfall of being beautiful is that it often creates blah personalities as most guys will want to hang out with you regardless. If you want those guys, fine, but if you want more, then be exciting.

3. Confidence, confidence, confidence. This is a 2 way street. I’ve heard models talk about how they were too fat or not beautiful enough and it’s the most unattractive thing in the world. Once again, if you don’t have it, fake it until you do. Watch how you talk about yourself, in your head or aloud. I’ll take a 7 who is comfortable with herself over a 9 who’s not any day

4. Be a nice person. I’m not saying that you have to run a non-profit and adopt 4 children from developing countries, but just treat people with respect and kindness. We all know those girls who talk down to other people or talk mad shit about other girls behind their back. Are you one of those girls? If so, Ms. Cleo sees douchbags in your future.

5. Give me shit. I know a girl who’s not afraid to tease me and put me in my place if need be and I absolutely love it. Act like we’ve known each other for years and it will feel like we have. This is one of the biggest things a girl can do to immediately grab my attention and make me wonder who the hell she is.

 

There you go. Here’s some of the other bloggers’ responses thus far. I’ll update the list as the rest of them pop out. The goal is to have them all up by Friday.

Honey’s got some great stuff that is applicable for both men and women here.

Lance follows suit with a guy’s perspective.

The Hot Alpha Female has a great unique perspective on the topic. She’s the kind of woman who would make me think about dropping the harem.

Monica over at Twenty Set started this discussion with this post for women and followed up with an equally informative post for guys here.

More to come! 

 

I really felt the need to tackle this topic because of all of the information out there that I consider to be misguided. As of right now, the most common solution to this phenomenon is to “freeze out” the girl. More specifically, when the girl starts to hesitate to sleep with you, you are instructed to turn cold, stop all physical contact, and do something else, possibly check your email.

This method was developed by Neil Strauss and is  so prevalent because it actually works. Now, I have more respect for Neil than probably anyone else in the pickup community and in no way mean to disrespect anything he’s ever done; mainly because I am not on the same level as he is.

Here’s the problem I find with it though: although it works, I can’t help but find it kind of creepy and just don’t feel comfortable doing it. 

So how do I handle last minute resistance? The answer is, I don’t, and if I ever encounter it I feel as though I simply didn’t do a good enough job before she got into my bed in the first place.

What you have to do is build up enough sexual tension so that when you enter your bedroom, there isn’t a question on either of your minds what will be happening.

So how do you do this? The biggest thing to do is keep the majority of your conversation with a woman sexual. The Secrets Game is one of my favorites for doing this. You simply introduce the game as the best way to get to know another person, and begin asking each other personal questions about each other; kind of like truth or dare without the dare. It’s impossible for this game not to be sexual.

You also have to be direct with your intentions. The “freeze out” method is a perfect example of why I tend to stay away from “indirect game” as much as possible. It almost seems like you’re tricking her to come home with you. In that case of course she’s going to resist when you’re making advances.

One of my favorite things to drop in conversations is: “I have to tell you a secret. I just had a dirty thought about you.” and then of course to tell he what said thought was until later in the conversation when I feel the need to “sex it up” again.

Now you don’t want to talk like a guy, i.e. “I want to fuck you right now”. Instead, you want to sound more subtly descriptive like a guy in some chick romance novel, i.e. “I want to rip your clothes off and kiss every inch of your body”.

Girls love to talk about sex, probably more than any other thing. If you show them you’re perfectly comfortable with the subject and not some dirty perv who never has any, then they’ll appreciate talking to you about it.

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The second half of this is making it clear that you’re the one who makes the decision . The whole idea of last minute resistance carries with it the frame that she is making the decision on whether or not you are having sex. This is flawed from the very get go. 

I’ll always say something like: “You can come sleep at my place, but don’t try any funny business.” The 5 date rule is another one of my favorites. I’ll tell her “I won’t sleep with a girl until the 5th date”. This is gold. See how many guys are telling her this.

Back at my place, I’ll advance a little, then tell her to slow down. This usually isn’t hard since by this point she’s doing more than her fair share of advancing. You have to get it to the point where you’re trying to stop everything from happening, but you just couldn’t help it any more because there was so much sexual magic in the air. Then afterward of course blame her for making you break your 5 date rule.

When she’s charged full of sexual energy and you’re telling her no, see how many times you’ll run into any last minute resistance as she tears your clothes off. 

Let’s start with some fun openers:

First, here’s a basic one that I’ve used with some great success. I’m sure that this one or a close variant of it has been brought up before but, eh… whatever. You and your friend are discussing something and need some outside help, so of course you go to the large group of attractive girls to get it. The question, what is hotter, boxers or boxer briefs?

Certainly didn’t take a genius to some up with that and I’m not expecting anyone to be blown away. But this works for a couple reasons. First of all, you can rule out briefs altogether as most women (for the time being) aren’t really into them. Second of all, I’ve found that women are truly torn on this , and 99% of the time you will create good discussion within the group of girls on the topic… kind of like Sex in the City.

Next, I got this one from my wing and it works wonderfully for large groups of girls, usually 5 or more. He simply goes up to the group sitting at a table, kind of lean on the table without saying much, make eye contact so they that are all thinking, ‘who the hell is this guy and what is he doing here’, and then delivers, “so which one of you is getting married?” After they show a bit of confusion he continues, “with all of you girls out together I figured it must be a bachelorette party or something”. Girls laugh, open up. Simple.

Finally, the no talking opener. I was walking to the bathroom and make eye contact with an attractive blonde. I give her a pursed lip look like I’m suspicious of her, then form a slight smirk on my face. At this point she grabs me and starts making out with me right in the middle of the bar.

Now, I use the “no talking opener” to highlight a point because frankly, that’s not going to get the same results consistently, not even for me.  The point is that it really doesn’t matter what opener you use if your body language and tone of voice aren’t on par. As I’m sure most of you have heard, non-verbal communication is 93% of our communication. 93 f-ing %. That means that what you say matters little compared to how you say it.

The last point I want to make is that you have to be genuinely interested in what you’re talking about. Approaching a girl with a topic that you’re genuinely interested greatly affects your non-verbals compared to using a canned line you read on a website. The boxers/boxer briefs line was so effective because my friend and I were just discussing it so we came off as being genuinely interested in their answer. A student asked me how many days he should wait to call a girl. I told him to ask the experts and he had staggering results with the women he asked.

The vast majority of openers I use are spontaneous things that just happen to be mind at the time or something obvious that I infer about them or the environment that I want to talk about. Don’t be the guy sitting around talking about beautiful girls at the bar. Those guys never go home with those girls. Instead be the guy talking about something fun and interesting that will appeal to those women.

 

Whew. The week was much more hectic than I ever anticipated and after sleeping for about 12 hours last night it’s officially great to be home.

I want to take a quick second to say thank you for all of you for your kind/encouraging comments and emails. I didn’t expect this level of  reaction at all and it is truly appreciated.

Time to throw down some posts that have been building up over this past week…