What’s up guys,

As you probably noticed by now I haven’t posted anything on Just Living The Dream in quite some time.

I am currently working in New York with Christian on our own company, The Social Man.

I want to take a second to say thank you to everyone who has followed this blog for this long. This post serves as a bit of a retirement for this blog which holds a sentimental place as my first venture into this space.

Luckily all of my old content and all of my new content is available at my new site: sparksofattraction.com

Along with the old content, I’ll still be writing new articles, while the vast majorty of my most recent happenings can be found at thesocialman.com

Thanks again for all of the support and I look forward to continuing to bring you the very best of what I can.

Cheers,

Nick Sparks

This coming May, from the 24th through the 26th, I will be in NYC holding a bootcamp with Christian Hudson.

If you’re not familiar with Christian he, along with Juggler, founded Charisma Arts. He was also the founder of Master the Vibe with Sebastion Drake. Currently, Christian is in the midst of launching The Social Man which is set to revolutionize the pickup industry.

We will only have 4 spots open for this event and are currently not planning anything similar in the future. Contact us soon to be ensured you’re one of the 4 who will be working very closely with us for the weekend.

I love New York and can’t wait to tear it up.

Hey Guys,

As I mentioned, my blogging as of late has been extremely light. The reason for this being is that I just moved to Chicago and have been busy getting my life in order.

I’ll always miss Ann Arbor, especially all of the amazing people I know there, but I have been loving being able to stretch out in a much larger stage. My old favorite line to hear from a girl of “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” has been replaced with “Why haven’t I seen you around here before?”

Of course, my coaching services will now be available in my new home. Check out some reviews at Seduction Review.

I look forward to meeting a bunch of you and of course continuing posting advice and adventures from the Windy City.

Cheers

Whew, long break on the blogging (more on that to follow soon). To begin my phoenix-like rebirth on the www I’m going to digress slightly from the typical theme of my writing and talk about the makeup of a successful relationship. 

You may ask yourself why I’m doing this. Well, the reason is that Honey and Lance, owners of a very excellent blog, have invited me to participate in this contest.  With a $25 gift certificate on the line there’s no way I could say no. 

So… successful relationship advice: finding your soulmate; someone who is your equal; someone who challenges you; there for you no matter what; supportive; blah blah blah blah blah. We’ve all heard that stuff a million times and the problem with clichés  is that they lose their meaning. So how can we tackle this issue without saying what has been said a million times before?

I believe the best explanation for what makes a relationship successful can be found in looking at evolutionary psychology. I’ve spoke in other posts about Matt Ridley’s book The Red Queen and more specifically, the theories outlined on why women cheat. To summarize this again, women want both a strong lover to ensure her children will have good genes and be more likely to reproduce in following generations and also a comforting provider to ensure that her offspring will be provided for and supported. 

You always hear women say that they just want a “good guy”; someone nice and caring. Men typically respond that you’re all full of shit and that you only want assholes. I presume that Mr. Ridley would actually be on the ladies side on this one and I’m in his boat. Women do want a good guy, but that’s not all you want. You also need someone who ignites your fire. This is why you can’t get that charming guy you met at the bar out of your head even if you have a “nice guy” at home.

When I talk about this theory with women, a natural question arises, and therein lies the recipe for a successful relationship. That question, of course, is: Can a man be both the strong lover and the nurturing provider? I always answer that it is very possible… just not easy, which is why so many women are scratching their heads looking for a “great” guy.

If you have too much nice guy, then your evolutionary urges will be turning your eye toward the lover, and if you have too much lover, then you’ll be left emotionally empty looking for a nice guy for support. The trick is that a guy has to be a strong lover and push all of your hardwired hot-buttons that need to be pushed to fulfill those needs. At the same time though, you need this same person to develop into a provider. I’m not talking about wealth but moreso on an emotional level. Of course I make it sound much easier than it actually is. 

So how do you get a strong attractive lover to start settling down? Let’s go right back to The Red Queen for the answer. Believe it or not, most of the time men are looking for the exact same thing. On one hand we need someone that drives us wild with lust and passion. We want our offspring to have mating success in the next generation as well. This isn’t all about looks either. A girl has to keep us on our toes, act in a very sexy manner. The Hot Alpha Female has a great blog dedicated to advice on this.

On the flip side, we also enjoy some comforting and nurturing support… I mean, we’re only human and all. The big problem with this is that most of the time the strong lovers have up walls up against this and are hesitant to allow themselves to be supported emotionally and comforted by someone else. (Notice I said most lovers, not all of them) The tightrope women have to walk is maintaining this sexiness up long enough to get your lover to feel comfortable enough with you to start taking down some of those walls.

So how long should both men and women keep up their sexy side before falling into total niceness and comfort? The answer: forever and ever and ever. Ladies, if you’re no longer fulfilling this 5000 year old need in men then don’t even question it, he’s fucking his secretary. Guys, if you stop pushing those hot buttons that hooked her in the first place then don’t be surprised when your kid looks like the pool boy. Similarly, if both people aren’t having their emotional needs filled, you’ll still have some crazy sex but it’ll only be a matter of time before you get bored and want something shinier because the bond wasn’t strong enough.

Is this easy? Sometimes, however if a successful relationship was that easy then this contest wouldn’t be happening in the first place. If both people are fulfilling both sides of their partners’ desires though, therein lies the secret to a strong successful relationship.

I have just one final thought to leave you with. Some people may scoff because they just “fell in love” and lived happily ever after and think that love shouldn’t be this complicated. The thing I can promise you is that behind every one of these fairy tale romances, what I just described happened whether they were aware of it or not.    

 

I’ve gotten some emails lately about non-verbal openers so I thought it’d be a perfect time to share my favorite opener: the eye contact opener. Sounds simple I know, however its effectiveness is astounding. 

It all starts out with your confidence and body language. You have to be beaming confidence, standing up straight, moving as if you’re not in any hurry at all, and possess a smirk on  your face like you know something no one else does (credit: David D). More importantly, you must strive to make eye contact with everyone you’re moving past.

Once you are  doing this consistently and naturally, you will be amazed at how many people return the contact and hold it. Now you don’t want to be creepy, so here’s what I do. If it’s a guy, give him a nod and move on (unless that’s who you’re looking to attract of course). Now, if it’s a woman I’m attracted to, I’ll do one of two things:

1. Shift from my smirk to a somewhat puzzled look. It’s the look you get on your face when you either recognize the person from somewhere but can’t remember where or the look you have when you wonder why someone’s staring at you. I then simply walk up to her  while holding this look and say either, “wait, where do we know each other from?”, or “I’m sorry, you looked exactly like a friend of mine”, or “do we know each other?”. Then conversation starts as normal.

Easy as pie.

2. If I’m in a playful mood I’ll shift from my smirk to a scowl, like I’m playfully mad at her. 9 times out of 10 she’ll return that scowl. I’ll respond with a laugh and go talk to her as she’s won me over with her fun playfulness.  Maybe I even mouth an, “I love you” before I go for fun, depending on what I feel like.

If I could only survive on one opener for the rest of my life this would be the one. As long as your vibe and energy are on it’s easy.

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I’m in Borders just minding my own business when I lock eyes with a hot redhead who’s talking to her friend. I considered just walking away but anyone who knows me knows that’s just not a possibility. I give her the old “I know you from somewhere” look with a curious smile and she returns it. It’s on.

I go up to her and  suddenly apologize and say that she’s not who I thought she was although she looks just like my friend. She responds that it must be the good looks and I tease her and tell her that my friend is very modest as well. The three of us chat for a couple more minutes and I excuse myself to let them continue their conversation.
 
I grab a Men’s Health and sit in the coffee shop reading it. A few minutes later I get up to find her now that her convo’s over and guess who’s sitting at a table reading a book. Too easy. I sit down at her table and she looks up and gets a big smile on her face. I accuse her of stalking me and we chat for a few minutes before grabbing some coffee. The conversation turns to local happy hours so I say, “This is crazy but a drink sounds really good right now”. Now, mind you it’s 2 in the afternoon but that only adds to the excitement. She agrees and we stroll around the corner for a beer.
 
As we’re enjoying our Dragon’s Milk (excellent microbrew she recommended) and some sexually charged conversation as always, it pops up that she has a boyf. We muck around that and I bring up my study of human psychology and more specifically why women cheat.
 
If you’ve never read Matt Ridley’s book The Red Queen then order a copy on amazon right now. 
There’s so much on male-female psychology in there that women find irresistible. One part talks about how women want both lovers and providers. A strong lover who will give her an amazing offspring with good genes and a provider to help raise that child. This is why women often cheat on their nice secure guy with a strong alpha-male.
 
As I was telling her this her eyes lit up like the bat-signal. Shit, even if a girl doesn’t have a boyf this story still makes you look intelligent and automatically sets you up as the lover that she doesn’t want a relationship with but wants to fuck like crazy. Remember, even if you do want a relationship starting as a lover is the best way to go… but that’s for another post.
 
She started talking about how she’s cheated on him and is always attracted to other men and how she caught him emailing a hooker. I told you this stuff was magic. She also talked about how guilty she always felt which made me remind her that she should never feel guilty for natural feelings that everyone felt. All of a sudden I was her zen mentor.
 
So after 2 beers and a car bomb we’re ready to leave- she has to meet the boyf for dinner- and our waitress is nowhere to be seen. Now, what followed I don’t condone in the least, especially as a former bartender. However, as minutes passed without service the thought crept into our heads to make our way out the door. Neither of us had ever done it before and as I mentioned, I don’t condone it whatsoever. So we calmly put on our coats and made our way out.
 
As soon as we leave we sprint down the block, dodging people on our way. Jesus it was exciting. After we round the corner and make sure no one’s following us, we look as each other to make sure that we both just did that, and then started making out right there on the street. Adrenaline may be the most powerful aphrodisiac in the world.
 
After one of the hottest/most random makeouts I can remember, we exchange numbers and go our separate ways.
 
She actually just texted me a couple minutes ago… and she’s coming to my wine and cheese pre-party this Saturday… and bringing a friend. Did I mention I love my life? 

The authors of honeyandlance.com (I’ll let you guess their names) came up with the great idea of organizing a blogger roundtable to discuss what men and women can do to make themselves as attractive as possible and have asked me for my opinion on the matter.

One thing I wouldn’t be surprised of in the least is if some of the same points of advice are made by more than one of us. If this happens, then you know it’s good info and is worth implementing into your life asap. I’ll keep this post updated with the other bloggers’ work on the issue so we can all have the most comprehensive look at the question possible. 

 So without further adu:  

For the guys:

1. Don’t take your looks lightly. Not every guy is born with the looks of Brad Pitt, but that really doesn’t matter. Think about all of the work women put into looking their best. That means that they notice little things about you that other guys would never notice.  Natural good looks doesn’t matter nearly as much as how you take care of yourself and maximizing what you have to work with.

2. Confidence confidence confidence.  Beating a dead horse? Yes. But only because its importance can never be written about enough. If you don’t have it yet, fake it until you have it. You can’t control how confident you are, but you can control how confident you appear. Stand up straight. Don’t hold your drink in front of your chest. Speak and move almost as if in slow motion. And eye-mother f-ing contact!!!

3. Be as interesting a person as possible. What do you do? “Oh… well I’m an engineer who tries to pick up women in his spare time”. Show me a woman who is attractive to that guy and I’ll show you desperation. Hell, would you even want to hang out with yourself? Get out there and to things that you’re interested in. Telling a woman about your recent trip to Spain or that time you bombed trying stand-up comedy is far more attractive than listing your hobbies as “drinking with friends”.

4. Presence at the bar. When you walk in a place, are you the guy who is scanning all over the bar for something fun? For interesting people? Or are you the most interesting person in the place with the most fun happening right in front of you? Stop being the creepy scanner and start making the most fun happen right in front of you. If you want to start a convo with someone, don’t walk across the place to engage them. Happen to notice them over your shoulder while you’re engaged with friends or on  your way to the bathroom.

5. Stop watching tv. Sorry if I scare some of you off with that. The thing is that television lets us put our minds on auto-pilot by feeding us entertainment. When you’re conversing with someone, you want to witty, fun, creative, and spontaneous… and watching television doesn’t exercise our brains to do any of that. Instead, read a book, go for a walk, talk to as many people as you possibly can. Just be ready when all of a sudden you’re the one keeping a girl on her toes in a conversation.

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For the ladies:

First off, it’s easy for a girl to get a guy if she wants. As long as she has a pulse (sometimes not required) then she will be able to find some guy interested in her. Shit, if she’s attractive, she’ll have guys lining up.

Here’s the problem with that though. Most girls don’t want to settle for any guy that any woman can have. They want a guy who’s more of a challenge and that actually is selective to select them. Sorry to burst some of your bubbles, but if you want a guy who isn’t a douche, it’ll take a lot more than your looks. Read on:

1. As mentioned, most guys will fall for looks, but if you actually want a guy worth having, then your energy and outlook on life are 10 times more important. Don’t be one of those girls who bitches and whines all the time just because most guys will put up with it because of your beauty. Any man of value will get tired of it very quickly.

2. Be fun! Nothing attracts me more than a girl that I have an amazing time with. Another pitfall of being beautiful is that it often creates blah personalities as most guys will want to hang out with you regardless. If you want those guys, fine, but if you want more, then be exciting.

3. Confidence, confidence, confidence. This is a 2 way street. I’ve heard models talk about how they were too fat or not beautiful enough and it’s the most unattractive thing in the world. Once again, if you don’t have it, fake it until you do. Watch how you talk about yourself, in your head or aloud. I’ll take a 7 who is comfortable with herself over a 9 who’s not any day

4. Be a nice person. I’m not saying that you have to run a non-profit and adopt 4 children from developing countries, but just treat people with respect and kindness. We all know those girls who talk down to other people or talk mad shit about other girls behind their back. Are you one of those girls? If so, Ms. Cleo sees douchbags in your future.

5. Give me shit. I know a girl who’s not afraid to tease me and put me in my place if need be and I absolutely love it. Act like we’ve known each other for years and it will feel like we have. This is one of the biggest things a girl can do to immediately grab my attention and make me wonder who the hell she is.

 

There you go. Here’s some of the other bloggers’ responses thus far. I’ll update the list as the rest of them pop out. The goal is to have them all up by Friday.

Honey’s got some great stuff that is applicable for both men and women here.

Lance follows suit with a guy’s perspective.

The Hot Alpha Female has a great unique perspective on the topic. She’s the kind of woman who would make me think about dropping the harem.

Monica over at Twenty Set started this discussion with this post for women and followed up with an equally informative post for guys here.

More to come! 

 

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